Don't Make this Mistake with Labels...

I recently came across a book called “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen… And Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

And being a parent, I simply couldn’t resist buying a book with such a brilliant title.

What ended up happening, though, was that I noticed that I’m applying one of the book’s main principles to myself. In all kinds of situations. 

After, of course, first testing it on my kids....

What I’ve started doing is to label the situation instead of labelling the person. 

It’s been a huge portion of my efforts this year to feel better, to improve how I communicate with others, connect with others, and so on and so forth. And so far I’m seeing huge improvements. 

Let’s start with an example. 

A parent walks into a messy kids room. A natural reaction would be to say “you’re messy” or “you’re a slob” or “you can’t take care of your stuff”. Notice all the you’s. That’s labelling the person… not the situation. 

If you’re trying to get someone (your kids, your customers, whoever) to do something you want, you can’t blame the person. 

It’s not helpful, it feels like a direct attack, and is a dead end, persuasion-wise. 

What you do instead (continuing the example with the messy room) is you walk in and say…

“I see a messy room” or “I see toys that are on the floor”. And now the child can understand it without taking it personally. Which makes it easier for them to rectify the situation.

Here's another example. 

If children act shy around strangers, you shouldn’t label them as shy. So if you’re saying, “oh, she’s shy”, you’re reinforcing a label to a child. 

But instead, if you say something along the lines of “it can be awkward meeting new people”, you’re labelling the situation, not the person. Which, again, becomes an infinitely easier fix.

First, that says it’s ok to work through the situation. But it also says the person doesn’t have to be stuck in this situation.

For me, it has worked wonders. 

Here’s the interesting part. 

This is true even with positive labelling of the person. 

If you say to somebody “you’re a good artist”, you are now imposing upon them a label that they have to conform to. If they can’t, they feel like a failure. 

Or, if that person doesn’t feel like a good artist, they can argue with that label, their own personal identity.

If instead, you say to them… 

“Wow, I really like the colour selection that you chose for this piece of art”... not only are you complimenting them and showing that you’ve paid attention to their work, but you’re not labelling them as an individual. You are observing something in that situation.

Even if they personally think they could’ve done better with their colour selection, they can’t deny your observations - because they’re yours - they’re not related to them. 

That creates more openness in communication.

As I said… I’m now applying this not only to my children (and hypothetical artists), but to myself. 

If I don’t get things done, it’s not because I’m lazy. It’s because there are so many things to take on all at once, and it’s hard to navigate through them all. 

Once I know that the problem is navigating, it helps me make infinitely better decisions about what I should do. 

I no longer have to take it personally, I’m just observing the situation. 

It is also is the strongest way to build an identity. 

Because you’ll do the behaviours you’ll more likely notice and point out… which will then reinforce what you want.

To Your Success!

Steve.

Master Online Entrepreneur